Joke-a-Day

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Kitty
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Joke-a-Day

Post by Kitty » Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:42 pm

I'm curious. What are some of your favorite jokes?
You trying to tell me you didn't hear that shriek? That was something trying to get out of its premature grave, and I don't want to be here when it does. - Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

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Mrs. Danvers
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by Mrs. Danvers » Thu Oct 26, 2017 9:29 am

My favoritre joke in the entire world.

Do you have the temperament for spicy food? For some people, it just comes naturally to eat food that’s hotter than hot. For others, it’s like being asked to ingest poison. Here’s a word of warning: if you don’t particularly have a tolerance for spicy stuff, you shouldn’t sign up to judge spicy food contests. We think you will agree this man was in over his head when he agreed to sign up for this chili cook-off.

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
When my people come to colonize this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.
Beldar Conehead

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donnie
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by donnie » Thu Oct 26, 2017 2:48 pm

:lol: :lol: That's hilarious!

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Mrs. Danvers
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by Mrs. Danvers » Fri Oct 27, 2017 8:25 am

When I first read this I was laughing so hard I was crying.
It was especially funny to me and my husband, because we have a friend who used to make chili as hot as big tom's toenail curling chili. Your mouth would be on fire for days!!!!
When my people come to colonize this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.
Beldar Conehead

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donnie
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by donnie » Fri Oct 27, 2017 2:42 pm

You may have heard this one, but if you haven't...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "I'm so embarrassed. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and then they go to the theater. Afterwards, they talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she asks him to come to dinner the following day. When he arrives, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The man is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible.

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

[Ready? Here it comes…]

"No," she replies, "you just happened to catch my eye ..."

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Kitty
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by Kitty » Fri Oct 27, 2017 3:50 pm

Hahaha so corny, but I love it.
You trying to tell me you didn't hear that shriek? That was something trying to get out of its premature grave, and I don't want to be here when it does. - Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

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Mrs. Danvers
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by Mrs. Danvers » Fri Oct 27, 2017 6:02 pm

Yeah I was waitin' for that, but still laughed anyway.
When my people come to colonize this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.
Beldar Conehead

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Kitty
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by Kitty » Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:27 am

Danvers, I'm picturing the scene that judge #3 is making. This would be good as a comedy routine!
You trying to tell me you didn't hear that shriek? That was something trying to get out of its premature grave, and I don't want to be here when it does. - Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

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Mrs. Danvers
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by Mrs. Danvers » Sun Oct 29, 2017 9:44 am

I'm surprised we have only ever seen this in print. And usually the chili contest is happening in Texas.
When my people come to colonize this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls, and you will come to no harm.
Beldar Conehead

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Kitty
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Re: Best Jokes

Post by Kitty » Fri Mar 30, 2018 10:28 pm

What is the most precise ocean?
The Specific Ocean!!! 😂😂😂
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You trying to tell me you didn't hear that shriek? That was something trying to get out of its premature grave, and I don't want to be here when it does. - Phantom of the Paradise (1974)

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